A Flyin Leap

I think I finally figured something out this evening while in the throws of pity and self doubt. (it doesn’t help that no one ever reads this) I’ve felt like an unimportant and invalid person since I wed. This is not something to put upon my husband at all; it is purely a self rant. The reason that I’ve felt so unbelievably miserable since I wed isn’t just hormonal. It’s all due to past measuring lines. I had this goal when I was single that I was going to accomplish a LOT before I entered into marriage. Some of those things being… living in a different state solo, doing unassigned territory with a buddy, temping at bethel, and various other a sundry of things I bestowed as happy blessings to the dearly unshackled. However, this past month or two have been almost unbearable in my head and I for the life of me couldn’t figure out why. Nothing extraordinary had occurred. Yes we are in Ohio again, yes I’m back in the retail racket, and yes I’m trying to pioneer in unfamiliar territory. Honestly these things I have all faced before. Unsuccessfully before, but faced them non-the-less. However, I remembered right before the tears were due to show that I had set something as a mile marker for myself when I was younger that I wouldn’t get married until a certain age and I always had a dream of what time of year this “hallucinogenic marriage” was to take place. All of which were to be when I turned 26 I could marry and I always wanted a fall wedding. Vain, I know, but these are the desperations of a young girl’s heart. I desperately wanted to be single at least until I was 26 and the fall wedding was something I wanted since I was 16. This time in life came and is now gone. Thus the pain I’ve felt for the past 2 months. This was to have been when I was finally ready for marriage. Looking back on it now, I wouldn’t change the “who” at all. Arthur is definitively the only man who could have ever put up with me, no matter my age or maturity. He is just the perfect stitch in my quilt. I on the other hand am in no way who I want/wanted to be. I am 26 and should have been steadily pioneering for over 7 years now from my original start date, but there is a major 1 ½ year gap in there filled with me loosing my motivation and loosing my ability to feel confident. Add to that I am way over the weight that I should be in order to be healthy, and I have moved 4 times within 3 years of marriage and you’ve got a pretty lethal combination. I’ve very really been praying at night just wanting to not wake up the next morning and have to do all of it over again. The only thing that keeps that out of my mind continually is that I couldn’t stand my loved ones not being consoled. But I digress back into the self pity. Point is; why am I beating myself up about something that I held as a goal when I was 20? I was totally amore’ for another guy at that age, probably why I wanted to wait till I was 26, and I lived in with my parents still. I had almost blown my whole inheritance, 2 more years and that was accomplished. I was going to school for something that now I still have a passion for and will never be able to do in an employ type situation. All of this leading me to realize; I DIDN’T HAVE A FLYIN LEAP OF AN IDEA WHAT WAS IN STORE FOR ME!!! I was highly idealistic (a trait I admire in others), vivacious, tenacious, and a sponge for learning… Wait, those are mostly good things. I mean to say that I was young and stupid. I would love to still be young and stupid, but I am sadly not. I am getting a lot older than ever I thought I would be. I will probably never get to go to Bethel, hopefully still have a chance at unassigned territory, and I’ve definitely lived in different states. WOW I ramble!
“The conclusion of the matter, everything being considered is to fear the true God and keep His commandments.” When will I do this enough to make me happy?